Fulfilling.

What you’re about to read is something I wrote in a moment and time in my life where I was truly heartbroken; filled with heavy emotions and overwhelming thoughts. In a moment where the pain seemed to be all too much for me. And even though I KNEW God would get me through it and even though I KNEW God would use it for my own good, it just didn’t take away from the fact that right then and there, in that specific time of my life I was hurting. And I wanted it so desperately to come to an end; to sing for joy once again.

I will say this though, in that moment I was so incredibly thankful to have God in my life. I knew then that the pain I was feeling, the situation I was faced with was one I could face with confidence and a restful heart. For I had God on my side, right there next to me, holding my hand and wiping away the tears. Behind me, pushing me through. Right in front of me leading me to where He knew I needed to be. I could trust that even though I may not know the reason behind the pain, still there was a reason. A good one, and if not a good one He would use it for my good. I knew that I could lay it all at my Fathers feet and he would take excellent care of me. I knew that I could trust my Heavenly Father with my heart. He knows my hearts desires, and he alone knows what is best for me and more than that he wants what’s best for me. And as if it could get any better than that.. he has the means and power to bless me with the best. And if I was faced with such heartbreak, it was okay. Because He would bring good from it. Whether this was His way of protecting me, building me, work on my heart, change me, teach me, test me, mold me, bring me closer to Him, etc. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was that I wasn’t facing it alone and I knew without a shadow of doubt that I would sing for joy once more. In the midst of the pain, after a season of heartbreak, or in heaven. But it would happen. And not only that, but I knew I would do it with a grateful heart. I knew I could trust Him to the point where I knew I would one day look back at such pain thankful that it even happened. And yes, I realize how insane that may sound to some of you.. How could I possibly be thankful for something that caused me so much pain? But let me tell you that it is in the times of suffering that I learn most about God.. that I grow closer to Him. And that my friends, that alone is beautiful and a blessing in itself. So I was okay, I mean I wasn’t, I was breaking, but I was okay. And I knew that if I was faced with this same heartbreak without my loving God in my life, well heck.. I’m not too sure I even want to imagine that being the case. 

And in case you’re wondering.. it still hurts, not as bad, not as often. Rarely and barley. But thanks be to God I’m in a much better place with a much better attitude towards it all. And yes, I am actually so incredibly thankful it all happened. I can truly and honestly say that God knew what he was doing. But hey, it’s God, when doesn’t He know what he’s doing, right? It is us that never truly know, even when we think we have the most remote idea, we don’t. Anyway, God has taken me on a journey that I don’t believe to be quite over just yet. But it’s been a beautiful one, one that I am so joyful over. He’s brought me so much closer to Him, He’s allowed me to learn and change things about myself, He’s doing a work on my heart, it’s all just so much; to even try and explain it wouldn’t do it any justice. It’s all so great and wonderful, I’m in awe. I’m in a much better place in my life. And I’m convinced I had to go through the pain in order to get here. 

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This heartbreak is almost more than I can bare. I can’t take it anymore. I find myself begging and crying out to God to just simply take it away. And in the midst of this, I can’t help but be reminded of how much God loves us, and how he must be experiencing this same heartbreak but a million times over every single day that goes by. Loving someone so deeply you’ve given up your everything to save, you constantly are trying to get their attention and being denied and rejected time and time again. Loving someone with your all who doesn’t love you. Who thinks their better off without you. I’m sorry God. And here I am crying out to you about MY heartbreak. Asking for you to heal me. Begging for this to go as fast as possible. For you to do whatever is in your hands to get me out of this place of hurt. Now I know that we must be doing everything in OUR hands to get you out of this place of hurt. God, I will speak of you to all those you love, to all of those who are clueless about how radically in love you are with them. I will do everything in my power by your grace, to reach as many people as possible, to help realize that the love they’ve always longed to receive, they can already have access to. We long to be loved and accepted for everything we are and aren’t.. but we already are. I once asked myself why must we love so much and so dearly those who don’t love us back? And I was left with a wondering thought I’ll leave with you today; Can this be God’s way of showing us how he breaks for us each and every day.. until the day we turn to Him and love Him with our all?

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Being in love with someone who is in love with someone else is no fun thing. We love all the things of the world that can do absolutely nothing for us, but we can’t love the God that loved us first? We can’t love our very own Creator? The reason we are alive, the one who’s given to us everything that we have? My friends, open your eyes, we are nothing without Him. Maybe even worse.. less than nothing. He loves you, question is, will you love Him in return? I will tell you this, the love and acceptance you keep trying to find in the people around you will never be enough to fill the hole in your heart. People WILL fail you, we are not perfect. But God is. God is perfect, he will never fail you. Only God. Only God is enough. Only God can fulfill that hole in your heart. Stop trying to fill it with insignificant things. Stop begging for the love and acceptance you already have.